bothered and confused

"To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart." - Francesco Guicciardini
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

just when you think you seem to have moved on and gotten over some feelings, memories of the past just keep on crawling back in.

you were the last thing my heart expected. we both did not expect things to have happened.

the moments spent with you was my happiest. you made me smile even more. friends and the family noticed that change in me.

i miss those times. your sweetness still lingers in my heart and in my memory.

i miss your touch. i miss your akbay. eventhough it was a bit uncomfortable at first when you did it in public. but i liked it.

i miss you taking care of me.

i miss your being seloso for no apparent reason.

i miss the non-sense conversations that we had. i was never much of a talker, but for some reason, i did not have any hard time opening up to you.

i miss your embrace. i miss your kiss.

i miss you.

we both wanted things to work out perfectly between us. unfortunately, it didn’t. you had to go back to manila. you were only here to do research for your thesis.

ours was an LDR and it was difficult. but we wanted to continue what we have started.

you said you wanted to keep all communications line open. we both did just that, all lines were opened. but, unfortunately for you, you missed out on the communication part. and ironically, you were the one who wanted to keep everything open.

i tried to be the understanding SO, knowing that you’re pressured with your thesis and at the same time with work.

i only got word from you when you needed my help for your project. but still, i helped you out.

i remember the day when i went with you to the airport. when you said the words i love you, i never had a hard time saying the same three words back to you. i guess you only meant it at that moment. for me, it wasn’t just at that moment, it was meant to be forever.

i snapped at you the last time you communicated with me. but i think i had enough reason why. you said you needed help again with your thesis. and i did help you out, only to find out you already finished your paper and were just testing me as to how much i was willing to help you out. why would you test me? don’t you trust me enough? that’s what SOs do, they help each other out when one needs help.

but i swallowed my pride and said sorry. i never got word from you since then.

i guess, it must have been me. maybe it was all my fault. i really do not know now.

everything that has happened left me bothered and confused. what happened? did i do something wrong? i tried reaching out but you didn’t. why?

i had to move on and let go. but still, i miss you.

i did not expect this to happen. this is the last thing that i expected.
-------------------------------------------------------

i just had to write this down. with the upcoming vacation to metro manila drawing near, i am strongly considering contacting the ex-SO. not to rekindle any feelings or anything, but to get the answers that i needed. i need closure.

and pathetic as this may sound, i want to be friends with him. or maybe just to say thank you for everything.

ugh! i’ve already decided before that i will not contact him anymore during my visit in manila. but, i’m just so tempted. the logical me says no, but my emotions i think are getting the best of me. i really don’t know what to do.

should i or should i not? arggggh!!!

family affair

"Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Author Unknown
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

after six months of being married and trying, finally, a baby is coming our way.

no, it’s not mine. but my younger sister’s.

we got the good news last sunday night when she called up that the pregnancy test was positive. and everyone’s happy about it! my ate excitedly knocked on my and my younger brother’s rooms to announce the good news.

this would mean the first apo for my parents. they have been wanting this for so long and i know that they are really excited about it.

we are hoping and praying that the pregnancy goes well =D

another addition to our family!


on another note, while everyone was preparing for the family pictorial last sunday, my ate teased our brother-in-law that he will still hold the title of being my father’s favorite son-in-law, as my ate announced that she will not be marrying anytime soon. she said that my brother-in-law should take full advantage of this privilege.

as i was listening to their conversation, i kept on thinking to myself “wait ‘til i introduce my future partner, he will BE my father’s best and favorite son-in-law” lol

but then again, that won't happen anytime soon =D

interruption

"Periods of wholesome laziness, after days of energetic effort, will wonderfully tone up the mind and body." - Grenville Kleiser
----------------------------------------------------------------------

instead of writing a speech on the trend of the hospitality industry in our city that my boss needs to deliver tomorrow, i am here writing this entry. it seems that no “senseful” thoughts are coming out of my brain.

i am just not in the mood to work today. come to think of it, i haven’t been in the mood since monday.

the leather sofa in my office seems so inviting everytime i look at it.

and i am blaming my laziness to:

1. the bed-weather. the weather has been very gloomy and cold since last week. but i like it though, makes me think of my bed. my very very cold bed =)

2. thinking of the upcoming vacation. 11 days to go =)

3. thinking of a friend’s birthday celebration tomorrow night. food, booze and good company =)

4. the slight headache because of stress in attending numerous clients and guests yesterday.

5. and lastly, my office table was moved a couple of inches last saturday. it’s no longer in the position that i want and have been used to. and what’s frustrating, i can’t seem to align it back to its original position (anxiety attack here). the flow of energy is just not the same. ugh! OC!

oh well, back to speech writing mode.

lonesome =)

"He who does not get fun and enjoyment out of every day... needs to reorganize his life." - George M. Adams
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

in two weeks time, i’ll be having my first adventure for 2010.

i will go on a grand vacation of some sort. i needed to do this before march comes or else i might not be able to have a vacation this year. work will be rigorous come march and we are expecting more work by july. last year, i was so stuck here in davao because of work – in the name of service.

a week of total relaxation, enjoyment and fun is what i need. no work to bother me (i hope. i'm keeping my fingers crossed here).

i promised myself this year to do something spontaneous. so, 2 weeks ago i booked myself a flight to metro manila. all by my lonesome. =)

this will be a first for me to travel to metro manila on my own. the last that i went there was with my family when i was still, i think, in grade 5. so, that was a very very very long time ago.

i already planned of this trip last november with the plan of meeting up with the then-SO and spend some quality time together. but due to unforeseen circumstance, the plan has changed.

So i’ll be embarking on this adventure by myself. it’s cool though.

i’ll be hopping from one relative to another. this will be my first time to reconnect with them, as i’m the only one among my siblings who have not met them.

i’m really excited for the trip. i can’t wait. i don’t know what awaits me when i get there. i still don’t even know where i will be staying for 6 days.

but i will have everything planned out. places to visit. relatives to meet. friends to reconnect with. or i might even be lucky to meet someone new ;)

i think this will be fun. i know that metro manila is way more fast-paced than the laid-back environment that i am so used to here in davao.

but, i’m so super excited! can’t wait. =)

smitten

"Today I caught myself smiling for no reason... then I realized I was thinking about you." – Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i never really took notice of her when i interviewed her last week.

our office needed to fill a position urgently and luckily she perfectly fits the qualifications we were looking for. she’s a new office recruit and started working just this monday.

while we were having our lunch last tuesday, i was eating at a table of one of my staffers and she was sharing a table with another staffer, i caught myself staring at her.

i was examining how lovely her face is. very simple. very angelic. and i must admit, i was smitten by her.

good thing i snapped out of it before she noticed me staring at her.

suddenly, i just realized that she looked a lot like a classmate i once courted way back when i was in college. unfortunately, that classmate and i never got to be an item as i did not push through with the courting. that was the time when i was strongly questioning my sexuality. but i’m confident had i pursued her, there would have been a great chance that she would have said yes to me. nonetheless, we remained really good friends.

up until now, i still sometimes think what if i had pursued her, my life would have been totally different. come to think of it, she was the only girl that i’ve imagined being married to and have a children with. but i guess, it is better that i did not pursue her.

she was the last girl that i was totally in to. up until ms. new office recruit came in.

everyday i have been finding reasons for me to call her in my office. i just can’t stop adoring her lovely face. and my heart skips a happier beat everytime i hear her voice. haaayyyy :”>

she’s one of the reasons why i want to wake up in the morning and report to work to.

anyway, i think this is just a phase that i will get over with in time. This is just an admiration, plain and simple admiration. a crush.

good thing she has a boyfriend.

this got me thinking. i want to meet her boyfriend. ;)

i once lurked

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i did some major bloghopping yesterday.

i back read entries of blogs that i follow and browsed through on ones that i have just chanced upon.

somehow, it just dawned to me. it’s amazing how diverse people’s experiences, thoughts and ideas are. but at the same, how similar. all in all, i learned from each of the entries that they have posted.

i realized how boring my life has been. my life experiences have never been close to as exciting as the experiences of people that i’ve read. this got me thinking, why not live a more spontaneous life this year?

i was once just a “lurker” in the blog world. i silently read people’s entries. eavesdropped on their private conversations. smiled at their good times. and at times, even cringed on their twisted thoughts. but i was just that, i lurked and i was silent.

i have witnessed blogs being shut down. some temporarily took a blog leave and came back with better stories to tell. but most of the blogs i’ve followed, and i’m glad, have continued to share their experiences. i never missed a day without checking on their blog updates.

blog reading has been a sort of therapy for me. it’s an escape. i forget the reality that i am in and i place myself in the realities of others. this is actually good for someone who lives a very normal and boring life, like me.

but, i think i found a better therapy in writing. i have been writing about too much technical stuff that i have forgotten how to write from the heart. the very few entries that i have posted here have made me feel better. though they might not be as amazing as other bloggers’, but at least i’d get to finally share to others my thoughts, ideas and experiences. and it feels good to know that, for a change, other people will be reading, eavesdropping, smiling and, yes, even cringe on my thoughts. and as simple as my thoughts are, at least i’d get to impart to others my opinion.

there are just too much boxed random thoughts in my head, that i just need to write them down to make room for more random thoughts.

one improtant thing though that made me want to write more is knowing that i’d get a chance to connect with new people who will share or disagree with my ideals and experiences. and i think i need that. exciting people who will perk up my seemingly normal life, even just in the blogosphere. :)

stars aligned

"Men are like the stars; some generate their own light while others reflect the brilliance they receive." - Jose Marti
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

i read this forwarded e-mail a few days ago. and for the lack of better things to write, i thought of posting it here.


SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One

spontaneous. high appeal. rare to find. great when found. loves being in long relationships. so much love to give. a loner most of the time. loses patience easily and will not take crap. if in a bad mood stay FAR away. gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever. loves deeply but at times will not show it, feels it is a sign of weakness. has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. defends loved ones with all their abilities. can be childish often. not one to mess with. very pretty. very romantic. ince to everyone they meet. their love is one of a kind. silly, fun and sweet. have own unique appeal. most caring person you will ever meet! amazing in bed!!! not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying.


and yes, everything is so true. 'nuff said. :)

just do it!

"The best way to get something done is to begin." - Author Unknown
-------------------------------------------------------------------

i think i really need to focus now and not get distracted so easily. enough of procrastination. i really have to work on and finish my paper.

i’ll do just that.

tomorrow.

promise =D

a hearty lol

"You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants." - Stephen King (Hearts in Atlantis)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i greeted the new year with a big smile on my face.

nothing special really happened. it was the usual new year’s celebration that we have been having. just a simple celebration with family.

i guess it was knowing that i left behind the unnecessary emotional baggage that i have been carrying the past weeks. and finally, i think i have found the peace of mind. i just couldn’t help but smile.

i had set out to finish three of my long-overdue post grad assignments today. but, the procrastinator in me once again prevailed. i practically ate, slept and surfed the net the whole day. i have tomorrow and sunday to finish it anyway (oh wait! i have to work tomorrow. ugh!).

as i was browsing through my facebook account earlier, i just couldn’t ignore the posts of my “ex-SO”. so yeah, i viewed his profile. what i read in his “about me” just, well... made me speechless for awhile, but then, i just had to laugh.

"i know cannot end the night without doing this number. Kahit saan ako magperform this has been my most requested number in all of my shows...i will always love you!" lani

i know most would not consider this funny. but hey, i know he adores lani misalucha but putting that in his about me box in facebook is just plain funny. and what’s up with posting the Profile interview of lani video links. talk about obsessed.

also, he unlisted himself as married after i unlisted myself as in a relationship.

i don’t know if i’m just bitter or what, but hey this just made my day. =D

reading through my previous post, i realized i was just too cheesy and emo. but now, i can finally say that i have picked up the remaining pieces of my once “broken heart” with what I saw in his profile.

now i can finally have a very hearty laugh.

ugh! i just had to blog about this. =D

and with that, i will leave you with this.