bothered and confused

"To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart." - Francesco Guicciardini
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just when you think you seem to have moved on and gotten over some feelings, memories of the past just keep on crawling back in.

you were the last thing my heart expected. we both did not expect things to have happened.

the moments spent with you was my happiest. you made me smile even more. friends and the family noticed that change in me.

i miss those times. your sweetness still lingers in my heart and in my memory.

i miss your touch. i miss your akbay. eventhough it was a bit uncomfortable at first when you did it in public. but i liked it.

i miss you taking care of me.

i miss your being seloso for no apparent reason.

i miss the non-sense conversations that we had. i was never much of a talker, but for some reason, i did not have any hard time opening up to you.

i miss your embrace. i miss your kiss.

i miss you.

we both wanted things to work out perfectly between us. unfortunately, it didn’t. you had to go back to manila. you were only here to do research for your thesis.

ours was an LDR and it was difficult. but we wanted to continue what we have started.

you said you wanted to keep all communications line open. we both did just that, all lines were opened. but, unfortunately for you, you missed out on the communication part. and ironically, you were the one who wanted to keep everything open.

i tried to be the understanding SO, knowing that you’re pressured with your thesis and at the same time with work.

i only got word from you when you needed my help for your project. but still, i helped you out.

i remember the day when i went with you to the airport. when you said the words i love you, i never had a hard time saying the same three words back to you. i guess you only meant it at that moment. for me, it wasn’t just at that moment, it was meant to be forever.

i snapped at you the last time you communicated with me. but i think i had enough reason why. you said you needed help again with your thesis. and i did help you out, only to find out you already finished your paper and were just testing me as to how much i was willing to help you out. why would you test me? don’t you trust me enough? that’s what SOs do, they help each other out when one needs help.

but i swallowed my pride and said sorry. i never got word from you since then.

i guess, it must have been me. maybe it was all my fault. i really do not know now.

everything that has happened left me bothered and confused. what happened? did i do something wrong? i tried reaching out but you didn’t. why?

i had to move on and let go. but still, i miss you.

i did not expect this to happen. this is the last thing that i expected.
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i just had to write this down. with the upcoming vacation to metro manila drawing near, i am strongly considering contacting the ex-SO. not to rekindle any feelings or anything, but to get the answers that i needed. i need closure.

and pathetic as this may sound, i want to be friends with him. or maybe just to say thank you for everything.

ugh! i’ve already decided before that i will not contact him anymore during my visit in manila. but, i’m just so tempted. the logical me says no, but my emotions i think are getting the best of me. i really don’t know what to do.

should i or should i not? arggggh!!!