Thursday, January 28, 2010

bothered and confused

"To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart." - Francesco Guicciardini

just when you think you seem to have moved on and gotten over some feelings, memories of the past just keep on crawling back in.

you were the last thing my heart expected. we both did not expect things to have happened.

the moments spent with you was my happiest. you made me smile even more. friends and the family noticed that change in me.

i miss those times. your sweetness still lingers in my heart and in my memory.

i miss your touch. i miss your akbay. eventhough it was a bit uncomfortable at first when you did it in public. but i liked it.

i miss you taking care of me.

i miss your being seloso for no apparent reason.

i miss the non-sense conversations that we had. i was never much of a talker, but for some reason, i did not have any hard time opening up to you.

i miss your embrace. i miss your kiss.

i miss you.

we both wanted things to work out perfectly between us. unfortunately, it didn’t. you had to go back to manila. you were only here to do research for your thesis.

ours was an LDR and it was difficult. but we wanted to continue what we have started.

you said you wanted to keep all communications line open. we both did just that, all lines were opened. but, unfortunately for you, you missed out on the communication part. and ironically, you were the one who wanted to keep everything open.

i tried to be the understanding SO, knowing that you’re pressured with your thesis and at the same time with work.

i only got word from you when you needed my help for your project. but still, i helped you out.

i remember the day when i went with you to the airport. when you said the words i love you, i never had a hard time saying the same three words back to you. i guess you only meant it at that moment. for me, it wasn’t just at that moment, it was meant to be forever.

i snapped at you the last time you communicated with me. but i think i had enough reason why. you said you needed help again with your thesis. and i did help you out, only to find out you already finished your paper and were just testing me as to how much i was willing to help you out. why would you test me? don’t you trust me enough? that’s what SOs do, they help each other out when one needs help.

but i swallowed my pride and said sorry. i never got word from you since then.

i guess, it must have been me. maybe it was all my fault. i really do not know now.

everything that has happened left me bothered and confused. what happened? did i do something wrong? i tried reaching out but you didn’t. why?

i had to move on and let go. but still, i miss you.

i did not expect this to happen. this is the last thing that i expected.

i just had to write this down. with the upcoming vacation to metro manila drawing near, i am strongly considering contacting the ex-SO. not to rekindle any feelings or anything, but to get the answers that i needed. i need closure.

and pathetic as this may sound, i want to be friends with him. or maybe just to say thank you for everything.

ugh! i’ve already decided before that i will not contact him anymore during my visit in manila. but, i’m just so tempted. the logical me says no, but my emotions i think are getting the best of me. i really don’t know what to do.

should i or should i not? arggggh!!!


Darc Diarist said...

do it for yourself. everybody needs closure. at least walang regrets :)

/iambrew said...

Oo nga. Closure is very important para magkaroon ka ng peace of mind and for you to let go and move on. Yung first ex ko, sobrang nahirapan ako magMove on. Biglaan kasi nawala. He said, "I need space, It's not you, it's me." then gone...

It took 3years for me to get that closure and believe ang hirap. Pahirapan pa para mameet ko xa ulit. Peo I'm fine now... Hehehe...

Eternal Wanderer... said...

closuer will come when the time is right ;)

my first one took foever :P

the geek said...

am very much familiar with scenes like that at the airport...

if he still is worth a try, then, go.

engel said...


lee said...

@darc: ultimately, whatever decision i will make is for me :) i just have to prepare myself with the consequences of my decision.

@brew: gusto ko lang na maayos lahat ang ending =D

@EW: thanks for sharing your story :)

@geek: iniisip ko pa if he is still worth the try :D

@engel: thanks, i needed that =D

MkSurf8 said...

if worth it, why not?

wanderingcommuter said...

ahh the bitter sweet memories... sometimes you just have to rekindle the past in order to make a step further to the future...

citybuoy said...

to be forgiven, you must first forgive yourself. it's okay to miss him. it makes you human. just don't let it affect your present too much or you may end up living in the past.

as for being friends, i really wouldn't know. i'm on the same path myself. mostly, it's a little tedious and very tricky. i'll let you know how it goes.

lee said...

@mksurf8: i'm hoping it's worth it :)

@wanderingcommunter: just missing the good memories, that's all :)

@cb: there are just some unanswered questions that i needed to know from him.

yes, it's tricky to be friends with a person who has hurt you or you might have hurt. but, we never know. maybe not now, but hopefully we'll get to that point that we'll be friends again in the future =)

Anonymous said...

i say you give it a shot. it's either you get this thing called closure, which is long over due or a possible ex-lovers to friends situation. or probably both. you'll never know until you try. all the best!

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